"Rainy Season" -yet encouraged and thankful

After falling asleep around 8:30pm last night,I found myself awake right around 11:45pm. I "chatted" via text with a dear sister in Christ who is one of the breast cancer overcomers that God has placed in my life,and was still up wide awake, until about 1am. After that, still unable to go to sleep, I pulled out the textbook I've mentioned before (Systematic Theology), so that I could go ahead and type up the answers to the Questions for Application at the end of the last chapter I had finished. Next I was led to look at one of the poems God had given me the words to write. The title to this one needed some tweaking, after praying and waiting God responded with the new title. I was thankful to be able to finalize that one. Then He prompted me to open the document that I keep called "Poems Under Construction". The reason I have this document is because sometimes God will give me a whole poem in one setting but then there are other times where He will give me part of one and then give me the rest of it at another time (day(s) or even month(s)) later. Anyway when I opened it up there was a small peice of a poem that was then titled "Look for the Rainbow" as someone had given me that title and said see what you can come up with regarding that. The Lord began to give me the rest of the poem until it was finished. He gave me the title He wanted-"Rainy Season". I was so thankful God gave me the words to pen another poem-to me this alone made the hours of sleep lost well worth it. I've inserted the poem God gave me below. Prayerfully those who read it will hear God speaking to them and encouraging them as they read it. Rainy Season By Summer L. Johnson Rain, rain, rain, and more rain… Father, will You please send the sun my way? If You could give me just a moment of relief, because my spirit is growing oh so weak. The rain seems to have become a permanent environment. This can’t be how You meant for the days of my life to be spent. When You caused it to rain 40 days and 40 nights, Father, even Noah had an ark, but I have nothing - I feel like I’m in the dark. God, I’m just being honest with You, because You said I could always come to You. You said I could “cast my cares on You because You care for me” - well, here I am, trying my best to lay it all at Your feet. I cannot see what Your plan is for me, Nor how You’re going to work it out for my good - though I really wish I could. I’m trying my best to keep the faith, but Father - please, I need a break. Just a short one is all I ask, then for sure I know I’d last. Dear child of Mine, I’m so proud of you for coming to Me and for praying so earnestly. You are absolutely right about casting your cares on Me, because I DO care for you - I LOVE you! I see you trying your best but struggling, so let Me now put your mind and spirit at rest. Yes, I’m taking you through a rainy season, so you can trust that it’s not permanent, nor is it without reason. I have a special purpose for your life that in preparation requires more rain than 40 days and nights. True, Noah had an ark but you have My constant presence - I am your refuge when it’s storming and dark. And it’s ok if you cannot see - no one should be in the driver’s seat of your life but Me - and I, the Creator of vision see perfectly - it’s more important that you keep your eyes on Me. When have I ever forsaken you, not kept My word, or flat out not come through? That’s right, never - because it’s just not in My nature to do. I know you, I love you, and My grace is sufficient. Trust me - this is not the end; you’re going to pull through. Thank you, Father, for once again coming to my rescue, And for listening so patiently though You knew my words, thoughts and feelings before I even opened my mouth to speak, Then sharing with me from Your heart, so full of love, You really encouraged me. You’re so welcome! You know you can ALWAYS count on me! Now get some sleep. 12/28/13 It wasn't long after finishing this poem that God blessed me to go to sleep for about 1.5hrs before waking me up in time to get to Whole Foods before they opened. I wanted to get there early because I'm still trying to stay away from crowds and I wanted to get in and out before the grocery store crowd. This poem and the message in it was confirmed when I recieved a text from one who is another mother to me, relaying to me that I was in her dream and that the only part of the dream that she could remember was that there was a flood coming and her and her hubby (another dad to me) already knew how to get to the top of the mountain to take shelter from the flood and all of the sudden I showed up, but for some reason couldn't climb the mountain. She remembered wondering why with my youth and strength, I couldn't get up there. She told me exactly how to climb the mountain, "put your feet in the clef of the mountain and hold on, keep going" and said that I would almost make it to the top but would slide back down, but I didn't give up. Enouraging me she said, "you can do this baby girl, keep going." Finally I reached the top, they grabbed my hand and everything was ok was good. She also mentioned the smile that I had on my face when I reached the top of the mountain. Then she woke up to find the email where I had sent her the poem inserted above, Rainy Season. In poem above God reminded me that He's going to bring me through and He confirmed it with momma's dream-reaching the top of the mountain with a smile on my face (made me think of another poem God gave me called, "I'm Still Smiling") The poem is another case in point of Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." and a reminder that God is purposeful in EVERYTHING that He does and allows. Would I have liked to slept through the night-initially yes but if I had the option of going back and changing the events of last night and this morning, I would not. I'm thankful God gave me the grace to hear Him rather than getting all bent out of shape and being upset all night. In addition to the blessings mentioned above, God has blessed my energy level to be better today, I've not had any stomach/digestion issues and even been able to add some vegetables back in my diet. I hope to be able to add my solid protein (chicken, turkey, and fish) back in in the next day or two. I'm thankful for the progress.

Update

Early Friday morning God blessed me to set foot in the gym for the first time since around mid October. I have been doing workouts at home with adjustable dumbells as strength, energy and food intake allowed and while challenging still not like being in the gym. i had a good workout-stuck to weights only. When I went God arranged it so that there were few people there at that time too. Then I was blessed when when I arrived at work as God opened a door for me to share with one of the security guards who had noticed that I had cut my locs. He asked my age and commented about my being so young to have cancer. My response was that the doctors had also run a test to check to see if I'm a carrier for breast cancer and they found that I was not, the conversation also included sharing that God takes us through things in life to develop our faith and that this was my "thing" but that God had been blessing me through it and in the midst of it and yes I was still smiling because I had no reason to be discouraged. After talking for a little while I was like, "man I'd better get on to work." As the conversation ended he smiled as one who was encouraged in the Lord and not one that felt sorry for me. When I got to my desk I had to thank God-it's a blessing to be able to share with others, and speak confidently with a smile on my face about my current but temporary condition without having to say in my head, "hold it together" and without having to fight off tears-To God be ALL the Glory for I know it's Him and only Him that has given me that kind of assurance and faith in Him. Those 2 things just made my Friday:-) Friday morning was also my last dose of meds for the side effects and by Saturday evening I my body was flushing out food eaten since then. Yesterday I thought I had hit a stopping point with the flushing drinking carrot juice and eating a special kind of pretzels that are dairy free, egg free, gluten free, nut free and soy free but that last serving of carrot juice seemed to set it off again. Even while I'm dealing with my digestive system being out of whack due to coming off my 3 days of meds, I can look forward with a smile on my face and with grattitude because this is the second to last time I will have to deal with this on this side of the surgery (just one more chemo treatment left). This weekend and today for the most part were stay-in-the bed type days, but over the weekend while I was on the phone and even while on the phone today, God worked it out so that I wasn't having "issues"/an episode that required time on the porcelain during those times. That too was a blessing. I'm up now with stomach "issues" but prayerfully God will bless me to be able to ride without any problems when my dad comes to pick me up later on this morning so that I can celebrate Christmas with the fam as well as his birthday. Like Thanksgiving, I won't be able to partake in the traditional holiday foods but I'm sure looking forward to some more of that homemade chicken broth :-)

Chemo Round 3 on Board

I had actually been looking forward to the chemo treatment today, excited that it would be the 3rd of a total of 4 rounds that I have to go through before surgery. Completing the chemo will also be my first milestone in the treatment process. As I was walking down the stairs leaving work yesterday evening, God reminded me to be on the look out for the enemy to try to throw something at me to discourage me. Well today that attempt came as during our usual pre-treatment meeting with the dr. who's overseeing my chemo. He told me something different than what my other dr. relayed last week in our visit following the ultrasound-usually she tends toward the worst case scenerio side and he tends to share news that's more on the optomistic side however that wasn't quite the case this time. Today he told me and daddy, that based on the unltrasound since the type of breast cancer I have is "shadowy" shrinkage is hard to determine but that if the chemo wasn't working the mass would have doubled in size by now. When my other doctor made the comments she did, she was using physical evidence from her examine on me in addition to the ultrasound. He was just going by the ultrasound. He also told me that the surgeon will most likely recommend a mastectomy. This was one of those reports that as daddy would say, we hear but don't hear. I really believe that the enemy was trying to use this to discourage me but my God ALWAYS does what's Best and I Trust Him to just that in this situation too. Dr.'s can only go by analysis and what they see but the results are not determined by their observations and opinions but by God Who is sovereign and has the power to speak and it be so. I still trust Him. He's got me and He's got this. The past two weeks have been excpetional food wise (able to keep food in my system for the most part) but stomach started feeling weird during today's chemo and after it was done. Food not digesting well but I'm going to keep eating and trying to find something that will work as my body re-adjusts. God blessed us (me and daddy) to get a lot done today after chemo-tired now but I'm going to hit the bed shortly. God gave us enough grace to get done what needed to be done and for that I'm thankful.

BLESSED!!!

On Wednesday night I mentioned that I went to listen to the first night of Candlelight rehearsal with the special guest. I didn't mention that the reason I went that night, was because I didn't think I would be able to be there Saturday night (tonight) because of the crowd that would be there. In fact I had told others that had asked if I was going that I wouldn't be able to make it there to be a part of it in person. Well guess where I came in from just a few minutes shy of an hour ago?! Candlelight!!! I got there an 1hr and 15mins early and sat in the balcony with the sound team (with the permission of my pastor, whom I had checked with earlier). The door to the balcony was open when I got there and someone from the sound team was already up there-that was answered prayer-I had earlier laid in God's hadns all of the logistics in working it out so that I could get up to the balcony before many people arrived so that I wouldn't have to come in contact with a lot of people-still have to be careful about germs and crowds. We had praise and worship service and I may not have been able to be in the Candlelight choir this year but I was sho' singn, rockn, and getting my praise on like I was lol. In addition to the choir singing God blessed us through a husband and wife mime team. Seeing them mime together was perfect visual of a husband and wife that are equally yoked. I also thought how awesome it must be to be able to minister with one's spouse. I'm not there yet but I know God's got that area of my life covered as well:-) Anyway to close it out, the last song the choir sang talked about God being a MIGHTY God-in other words God's message to me through that song was before you head back to your apartment and as you continue on this journey, remember that "I AM MIGHTY." After the choir finished, I began gathering up my stuff and putting on my jacket to go and as I turned back around and looked at the choir, one of my sisters blew me a kiss from the choir stand and another one of my sisters did the same. They look out for me, there for me, will speak up on my behalf, fuss, pray for me, and really have my best interest at heart-my big sisters from other mothers-they demonstrate there love even more so than they say it-they are both a blessing. God arranged it that I was leaving early to avoid the crowd, I "ran into" some more sisters in Christ, one of which had been praying for me and just yesterday told me in a text that she hoped to see my smiling face soon-and when I saw her this evening a hug it didn't take her long to ask if I was suppose to be out tonight-lol. The other also one who's been praying for me and gave me several hugs and while happy to see me, seemed to be holding back tears. If I was going to be limited on hugs and who I was able to speak to atleast briefly I was thankful God picked these too. I know that being there tonight was His will; confirmation in several ways. God just keeps on blessing over and over and over again!!!

Ultrasound and Follow-up with Doctor-Another Good Report!!!

Early early last Sunday morning I checked and noticed that the mass in my breast had shrunken noticably. Since then I had been looking forward to today's ultrasound and follow-up with the dr. that gave me the diagnosis. I went in expecting a good report but I didn't know just how good it would be. God has showed out yet again! Might I also add that God has blessed my stomach/digestion to be doing a lot better. No more waking up in the mornings with stomach "issues". Now I'm slowly trying to integrate veggies back in my diet, which I had to cut due to my stomach issues. Ok back to the report from the ultrasound & dr.: -the ultrasound tech couldn't even find the one lymph node they biopsied and found cancer in previously, which was a good thing-no longer swollen -the dr. could not find the lymph node either when she examined me -according to the dr. judging from the lymph node, the shrinkage of the mass in my breast is 85-90%!!! -because of such a great response they're continuing the chemo (total of 4 cycles-2 down and 2 to go-#3 on Tuesday) -why continue with the chemo? they want to shrink it as much as possible prior to surgery-the smaller they can get it, the less tissue the surgeon will have to remove during surgery; had the response not been good, they would have stopped the chemo and switched gears to surgery -both the ultra sound tech, the dr. and her assistant complimented me on my new do too. I appreciated that:-) Daddy came with me to the appointment and I asked him to bring his clippers again because my hair was starting to grow back some.He cut it back down for me earlier this evening. I had told him we had to get a picture of us with our similar hairdos (mine is shorter than his though lol). We did that before he got back on the rd. I have good medical team but I can't give them the glory and credit for the healing that's taking place. The chemo drugs that I'm being treated with on paper are the best approach for dealing with the type of breast cancer I have but I cannot give credit there either but it is God and God alone Who deserves all of the PRAISE, GLORY, & HONOR for the healing that He is causing to occur in my body. He is working through the team that is responsible for my treatment and through the chemo that is being administered. Without God the efforts of the team and the chemo itself would be ineffective. God has brought me so far so quickly and I know He's still at work as He continues to bless me to progress in this healing process.

12/11/13

Tonight was the first night of rehearsal with the special guest for this year's Candlelight at my church. (Candlelight is an annual worship in song in which there is a guest clinician.) I'm not able to participate with the choir this year, but I know that's not the end of the story. I miss being in the choir and my choir fam and being in church. While I'm thankful that my church live streaming of the service, it's not the same as being there in person. I went to rehearsal tonight timing it so that I was 30 minutes late so that I wouldn't have the opportunity to hug everybody because I still have to be careful about exposures to germs and crowds (it's easier for me not to even set myself up because I miss them and do want to hug). I sat in the back so I wouldn't draw attention. My prayer on the way was that I didn't want to have to watch anyone's kids(really have to watch it germ wise around them) and I just wanted to sit in the back and listen. Well God took it beyond that. Though got there late, God arranged it so that 3 of my sisters were running late and I was able to get 3 hugs :-) I was so happy to see them. I was so blessed just to see my choir fam and to be able to sing along and jam right along with them from my seat in the back. Even before I left the house I was just cheesing-lol. I was blessed just to hear the word that the special guest shared before he began teaching songs. I had to take some notes in my phone. I won't share all that he shared or all of my notes but some highlights: -don't underestimate the Power of music-if not careful we can do damage instead of ministering to people -talked about the "Lucifer syndrome" still exists today-the attitude "look at me"; "look at how well I did/can do"-we've got to remember it's not about us; gotta remember God is the only One deserving of ALL of the Glory and ALL of the Honor, and ALL of the Praise, and ALL of the worship -For every call, there is provision-God has already given us everything we need to handle it/to walk in our calling -we ought to do such a good job that others don't see us but they instead see God/whatever we do oughta point to Him because people don't need to be led to us but God-we can't save and deliver but He can After I walked out of the sanctuary I heard our minister of music say, "did yal see Summer?" so I ducked back in there where I recieved a resounding we love you in unison and waves from everyone. I love them too. I look forward to getting back up there and sitting next to my back row buddies-yes I sit in the very back row lol. Nothing deep I just so grateful to have been able to go tonight. Just blessed, blessed, blessed. I figured since it didn't feel as cold as it had been, may I wouldn't get as many "whoop'ns" for being out instead of at home resting. Lol. Well I really oughta call it a night now. What a way to close the evening. God ALWAYS knows what we need, when we need it and I thank Him for not only knowing but for PROVIDING.

Good Report and a New do :-)

This afternoon was my follow-up doctor's appointment. As mom,daddy and I were being escorted to room we'd be in, the lady commented that I looked good and that I had a smile on my face. I thought in my mind I don't have a reason to be down and depressed...God blessed me with a good report: -White blood cell count is good-actually on the high side (not a bad thing) -red blood cell and platelet counts are both good -I will have a total of 4 chemo treatments before consult with the surgeon for surgery (already halfway through) -scheduled for an ultrasound to assess the effectiveness of the chemo -next treatment on the 17th -weight was down 12 lbs (unintentionally)-I know a lot of it was muscle because of the stomach/digestion issues and not being able to eat much especially in the area of protein but yesterday and God is blessing me to get the protein worked back in-not where I need to be yet but moving in the right direction. I know this is only a temporary season. and that God-willing the day is coming that I will be back in the gym playing ball and hitting the weights. Now about that new do:-) In last night's post I mentioned how I was going to have to let my locs go and that I had asked my daddy to bring his clippers with him today since he would be here for the appointment. Mom came too and brought hats and scarves for me with her. I said yesterday that I couldn't promise that I wouldn't shed any tears but as daddy was cutting my hair instead of tears God blessed us to laugh and have fun. I kept laughing and jumped a few times as daddy was going back over my head to get it as smooth as possible because it tickled when he went over certain areas lol. When I looked in the mirror I actually like my new do. I'm thankful to have been blessed with a head with no knots or hooks lol. This style is as low maintenance as it gets and those who know me know that when it comes to hair, I'm all about that. :-) After daddy finished mom washed my head and rubbed a mixture of oils on it for me. Then they had me playing dress-up with the different hats and scarves that mom had bought for me. If it were'nt so cold outside I could go out with no hats or scarves. Again I say what a God, what a God! Not only did He bless me with a good report during my follow-up appointment but He blessed me to enjoy the process of getting a new do and to like the new do itself. Where I thought there might be a little sorrow, He gave joy and laughter. God's hand is still at work in and through my situation-yes I'm smiling. God is with me.

"It is was it is"-Moving Foward

Everyday hasn't been a good day but you know today's blessings included it just being a good day. In the last post I mentioned my stomach/didgestion issues that I had been dealing with. Well those issues extended into Monday and yesterday. When I went to have my blood drawn yesterday morning before work, I let them know about the stomach/digestion issues I was having-namely diarrhea, where I may be able to eat light- broth, crackers, sweet potato, rice and that may stay in my stomach for the day but the next morning my body would dump it all back out. A couple days like Monday when my body decided that it was going to reject saltine crackers after I had been eating them on previous days or like yesterday when my body decided that after one day it was going to reject sweet potatoes, it didn't even wait until morning to hit. Monday night I even tried the one med that I mentioned that I was trying to do without but it did not seem to make much difference. On the one occassion where I tried immodium when I experienced diarrhea following the 1st treatment, it only plugged me up and made me nauseous because my body still wanted to get rid of the food one way or another. Anyway they gave me a prescription for an anti-diarrhea medicine telling me that hopefully that would stop the diarrhea without making me nauseous. I took the prescription to have it filled but after thinking more about it, it seemed more like it would be putting a bandaid on it rather than really trying to fix the real issue with my digestive system like replenishing the good bacteria in my gut, etc. I also determined that I would go talk to one of my buddies at Cost Plus (nutrition store) to see what suggestions they might have. In addition to that plan I got some feedback from a dear sister in Christ who is amongst those in the cloud of witnesses of cancer survivors that God has placed in my life, if she'd experienced diarrhea as a side effect of the chemo. She shared that she basically went the "it is what it is route" and she ate anyway. That helped firm up the route that I too would decide to take. On the way home instead of going to Cost Plus first, I stopped at Sprouts so I wouldn't have to double back (when driving in from work I get to Sprouts before Cost Plus). God arranged it so that while I was walking around mainly trying to pick up different sources of protein and a little fat (healthy of course), I ran into my buddy that works in the Sprouts vitamins and nutrition area. As the conversation went on I eventually had to share with him what was going on. He suggested a good probiotic, one that he actually takes himself and he also shared with me that glutamine was popular with chemo patients that shopped. Not only was it good for boosting the immune system but also for helping with stomach issues. I had forgotten that it was good for the immune system but I did not know that it helped with the stomach as well. My new plan from then on was to take the probiotic and glutamine and to continue to try different foods to see what would work best but also realizing that I may have to deal with the side effect of diarrhea for a little while as my dear sister in Christ put it the "is what it is" approach. I can say today I was able to eat more which this time actually included protein which I know my body was in desperate need of. Today I felt stronger than I did yesterday too. Stomach issues this morning were not as severe as they had been and no issues during the day. Seems like God is blessing something to work without having to use any extra prescription drugs and I'm thankful. I had been losing a loc here and a loc there but today I lost several. I had observed recently that the hairloss on the side edges was very noticable as well. Upon closer examination I noticed that there were more locs that were seperated from my scalp and that it would be a matter of time before they fell out too. I said I would wait to see if God would allow me to be one of the ones who kept their hair inspite of the chemo before I made the decision to cut and shave it. Now I know that He did not see fit for it to be that way but I'm still thankful that He blessed me to keep my hair as long as He did. With a hat on the hairloss was less noticable-just yesterday someone was complimenting my locs but God's will is God's will and God ALWAYS does what's BEST. I have no choice put to trust Him with this too. He actually gave me a poem called "Beautiful" that I shared with a few but I believe that poem was for me too and that He was preparing me to be able to make the decision to let the hair go. Tommorrow I have a follow-up appointment with the dr. which my daddy is planning to be here for. I went ahead and asked him to bring his clippers. I can't promise that no tears will be shed as he cuts but To God Be ALL the glory. I was blessed when I shared it with two of my sisters one offered to cut it for me and the other offered to have hers cut. Mom has offered to pick up some hats and scarves for me tomorrow and send them with daddy. The same dear sister in Christ that I mentioned above in dealing with the stomach/digestion issues was there to advice and encourage yet again. Yet again those in the support system that God has assembled is being used by Him to be a blessing-what a God, what a God! I've lost physical muscle and now I will temporarily lose my hair but God is blessing me to gain more spiritual muscle and He continues to give me life day by day. Marvin Sapp's song "I Win" has been in my spirit too. In Christ we WIN! We must refuse to let the enemy, or any struggle or storm, and no not even self cause us to believe any different. No matter what kind of war we're in, in Christ we WIN!